all of them witches

this past week i have been in Peru, where i was hired by an independent group to investigate strange goings on in a forest. all they could tell me at the start was that several people had gone missing (not fishing, as i first thought they said) and that there was no sign of them in the forest.
i set off into the forest towards where the last of the missing persons was reported as heading. it did not take me long to think that there was something sinister going on. first of all several areas of ground had been scorched and there was a smell of sulpher mixed with a hint of Marmite. oh, and there was evidence to suggest a large craft had taken off from there recently. radiation levels were very high and walking further into the forest there was areas stained with blood.
it was quite creepy all in all, so i headed back to the group who had hired me and told them that there was a new shopping centre in the forest and everybody was hanging around there.

a hobby

today i have been experimenting with cross breeding animals.
i had a lion, an ant, a sealion, an antelope, a baboon, a dodo, and some kind of dog, probably a mongrel to experiment with.
first attempts to get them to breed were not succesful, i tried various alcoholic drinks, barry white music and some educational videos but they were more interested in fighting or sleeping or riding their bikes. then i did some research on cross breeding and attempted it a different way. this resulted in several injuries to myself and the animals but eventually i got what i wanted.
i am now waiting to see what i get as a result of my hard work.

where was I...

wow. been a long time since i posted anything. think longer than the last time it was a long time since i posted anything.
still, that's teh ebola virus for you.
that not withstanding i have been taking on various jobs infiltrating low key pensioner subversist groups, (more commen that you might think) symptoms of ebola virus really being an advantage helping me fit in with the old folks.
amongst other things they were planning on replacing the chocolate covering of a well known brand of biscuits with wasps. that nearly went wrong for me when it turned out my main contact for the Venezuelan secret service was allergic to wasps.
I don't mind wasps and not a big fan of kit kats or Venezuela so i skipped town to meet up with my German contacts to wipe out an apocalyptic group of grannies (Apokalyptische Gruppe Omas) who were going to utilise a rather ingenius algorithm to convert basic binary code into sumerian thus rendering most online technology redundant.
i managed to lure them away with a trail of cute kittehs (lolz)
into a lake of molten lard.
we feasted like lords.
ttfn

things I got for xmas:
the ebola virus
1 sock
toenail clippings
a luxury yacht

so I've been sailing in my yacht. the other stuff I sold on eBay and made £164.50

Huh, turns out they were from Hull, not Hell. They have just got the coach back now.

today I have been using magik to conjure up various dark forces of Hell to do my bidding.
so far my bidding has been for them to do finger painting and make small models of baby animals.
they are thus far not amused and claim to prefer Hell.

Today I stole all of my neighbours underwear, and all of his cabbages. Then I dressed the cabbages in his underwear and put them in a washing machine. Then I took a polaroid of this, and attached it with a ransom note, to put through his letterbox.
Unfortunately for me, the cabbage goblins were patrolling that day. I am pretty beat up, and they made me eat the cabbages. Still, it could be worse, I have been informed the underwear goblins are here on Friday.

these past few weeks I have mostly been working undercover for MI5. Obviously I can't go into too much detail but it involved cheese and the belief that certain nefarious activities were involved with home furnishing stores. I believe these to be linked with recent claims that small egg shaped people have been smuggling their own kind into peoples homes in order to steal washing machines.
I have also been making money selling cheese, eggs and washing machines on eBay.